


The Truth Always Comes Out I Wish I Knew That Sooner

by Akaashi_kinne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Queer Character, Sad Akaashi Keiji, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29389458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaashi_kinne/pseuds/Akaashi_kinne
Summary: Many people hide things, but what happens when one person finds the thing you want to keep hidden the most? Akaashi Keji doesn't know, but he'll be faced with a dilemma no one expected.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. And So You Meet Him

Let me tell you a story, a story that has twists and turns. A story that, be warned, isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Now, I’m saying this now and I’ll only say it once this story is....well you’ll see when the time comes. For now, I think I’ll just start. 

His name Akaashi Keji, currently in University. 

BEEP BEEP BEEP!! The alarm blared. Shit! He forgot to change his clock with the change in time. He scrambled putting on whatever he could find, anything that wasn’t so dirty it became revolting. He made it to class, he had less than a minute to spare but he did it. “ How come you came so late,” a quiet uninterested voice called to Akaashi. The boy had bleached blond hair with black at the root, he was playing a game, but still, he questioned Akaashi. Akaashi was used to this, he'd known him for over a year, this was Kenma, his roommate and only friend type person he had in his life. “My clock was behind,” Akaashi said back sounding almost as uninterested as Kenma. The boy hummed in acknowledgment and went back to sitting next to Akaashi quietly. Classes passed, never once did Akaashi find one thing that was, in the slightest bit interesting, but nonetheless, he sat through the agonizing lectures. The day was a half-day due to the fact that many first years were starting their first days at this...place. He didn’t know how to describe it, it was interesting but at the same time, it was the most boring place he’d ever been confined to. “I’M GOING TO GO TO NATIONALS AND CRUSH THOSE CROWS”, “HEY! HEY! HEY!” a loud voice pulled Akaashi from thought, he hadn’t realized he wandered to the volleyball gym.

.  
Smack.

A ball of paper hit him in the back of the head. He did nothing to anyone and yet he got this type of treatment. "Oh look the nerdy freak and the gamer girl," a voice called from behind. Alana, Alana Tartel, Akaashi's bully since grade school. When neither paid any mind to her yells she walked up to Akaashi. She was pretty, short red hair that fell to just above her shoulders, long lashes, green eyes, and full lips, pretty was an understatement, but personality. Well, she was.....lacking? "Do you-" Akaashi couldn't finish his sentence before Alana smacked him. "I really hate being ignored jackass." and yet the professors' all liked her, it doesn't make sense. Just then "HEY! HEY! HEY!" It was...the boy.


	2. A Tutor With Pills?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “UGHH,” Akaashi groaned. Akaashi wished he died in his sleep. Obviously, that didn’t happen. He looked around the room racking his brain about what happened last night. It took him a good minute to remember what happened.
> 
> Pills. Vomit. Laying on bathroom floor. 
> 
> He tried to overdose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! MENTIONS OF PILLS and a SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!!! I swear that the weird conversation will be important later on!! Thanks to all the people who read the first chapter, I'm really happy you read it!!! Um if you have any things you might wanna see me add to the fic, later on, plz comment it I'm open to suggestions!! This chapter is kinda messy I wrote it quickly and it took a lot to figure out what I wanted to do for this chapter. It's still kinda short but it's longer than the last!! ALSO!! You totally don't have to but I'd love it if you commented. I wanna answer questions and stuff!! It might take a hot minute before I'm able to accept them tho so please done be mad if you decide to comment!!!

The boy was probably the dumbest person Akaashi had ever seen but, he sure was beautiful. Silver and black hair, it was down and looked wet, muscular, and tall. Akaashi shook his head. ‘You’re straight’

“Ahh, I got the wrong class sorry ab-” The boy was mid apology when “BRO!” Another one. He had the worst bed head Akaashi had ever seen. “K-Kuroo? I thought you dropped out!” The bedhead boy now identified as Kuroo stopped dead in his tracks. “FOR THE MIllONTH TIME I DIDNT DROP OUT I SWITCHED MAJORS AND THEN WENT TO A SCHOOL WITH A BETTER CHEMISTRY PROGRAM!” Kuroo hollard clearly taking offense. “Sorry bro,” The boy said looking obviously displeased. A sigh escaped Kuroo, “anyway listen to my pickup line,” The boy perked up. Somehow they seemed to forget they were standing in front of random second years. “You must be made of uranium and iodine because I can see U and I together.” “Whoa bro,” he obviously didn’t understand the line in the slightest. Although Akaashi wished he didn’t understand, so he was probably lucky. “You think I should use it on him?” ‘No’ Akaashi wasn’t sure who he was using it on but he doubted they’d like it. “...Yeaaa” ‘He should understand it before he answers the question’ “Thanks, Bo. BO WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE” Akaashi rolled his eyes, ‘so they realized’. “Heh, about that….I kinda went to the wrong class.” He looked so earnest and oblivious it was almost sad he had to say that. “BOKUTO!” Kuroo yelled. “Kuroo you’re attracting attention,” Bokuto spoke softly. ‘He said it like he didn’t just have that entire conversation there’.

“UGHH,” Akaashi groaned. Akaashi wished he died in his sleep. Obviously, that didn’t happen. He looked around the room racking his brain about what happened last night. It took him a good minute to remember what happened.

Pills. Vomit. Laying on bathroom floor. 

He tried to overdose.

The guilt found its way into him. He...tried to overdose. At this point the guilt-filled every inch of his body. He….tried...to...kill...himself. He should feel guilty about trying to die, but he felt more guilty about the fact that he was still alive. There were so many people who wanted to live, and yet he was the one alive. The world was so messed up. 

“Akaashi,” Kenma called out in a quiet voice. “Hm” “You’ve been off lately”

He saw through his act. 

“yea, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” This wasn’t a lie, he had been thinking about his suicide attempt a lot lately. 

The guilt was back.

‘You should’ve taken more’ ‘You can free yourself and everyone around you if you just died. It’d be better for everyone if you just dropped dead. You wouldn’t have to hide anymore’. 

“Heh, Sorry to drop by again but I’m looking for Akaashi Keji.” It was the boy, Bokuto. Kenma nudged him and he got up. “Sorry to pull you out of class but, my professor needed you.” “it’s fine” His voice was a low murmur. “Well! My name’s Bokuto Koutarou!” He smiled so big Akaashi figured it rivaled the sun. “Well-um” Akaashi looked up “yes?” “You’re smart right?” Smart. Akaashi was naturally gifted, but he wouldn’t call it smart. “I’m average” Bokuto looked over to protest, but he restrained himself. “Can you maybe tutor me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Sorry if this chapter is shitty I swear it'll get better just bear with me. Remember. YOU ARE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. No matter what anyone says YOUR AMAZING. I'm gonna try to have another chapter up by Monday!


	3. He Said I'm The Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s pretty right?” Bokuto’s voice grew quiet. “Yea, it’s pretty.” Akaashi's voice was quiet, but for once it matched Bokuto’s, “Thank you Bokuto-san.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being active. I've had a lot of motivation to work on this fic. In all honesty, I think it's bc I wanna get stuff for you guys to read as soon as possible!! I really appreciate all the people taking the time to so much as look at this fanfic!! Ummm this chapter is pretty light-hearted. The TW I'm putting here is more cautionary but TRIGGER WARNING! MENTIONS THINGS RELATED TO ANOREXIA (very very minor but I want people to be aware before reading) Enjoy the fluff while it lasts. ALSO!!! I forgot to put it, in the beginning, a lot of the writing techniques, description of feelings, and even the original idea was all inspired by The Sky And Guilt Are The Only Feelings I Have Left. In the end, I'm gonna take a different route, but I recommend it It's one of my favorite Fanfics! That being said enjoy chapter 3!

Somehow Bokuto was able to convince him to be his tutor. “No, this goes like that, we're solving for x, not 3,” Akaashi spoke in a calm tone. Bokuto wasn’t as stupid as he originally expected. He was energetic though, normally that would tire Akaashi out, but he didn’t mind his energy….Kenma….well he minded. He minded so much at some point during the session he left. “Done! Are you proud of me AGAASHI?” He couldn’t seem to pronounce his name right. “Very Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said with a slight smile on his face. Bokuto’s smile wasn’t so slight, he beamed obviously proud of himself. “Hey Agaashi…., can we go get coffee….or something this S-Saturday?” Bokuto said, he was hesitant. ‘Your s t r a i g h t’ every logical piece of him said not to get attached. “Sure.”

…

Saturday was here. “AGAAASHIIIII” Bokuto’s voice disrupted the whole park. “Bokuto-san” a small soft smile tugged at his lips, at least till he remembered.

‘You have to end this soon’ ‘ the sooner you end THIS thee sooner you end everything’

“The place is just down the street,” Bokuto said pulling Akaashi from thought. He hummed in acknowledgment. He decided, for Bokuto, he would try to enjoy his day. They sat and talked. They got along, Akaashi acted as a caretaker to Bokuto when he did reckless things. Akaashi discovered Bokuto was comforting to be around, for him at least. They were supposed to spend the morning together and then go their separate ways, but that morning ended up going on till late at night.

“C’mon there’s something I wanna show you,” Bokuto looked like he was beaming. He seemed to never get tired. “Okay, show me.”

Stars.

In Tokyo, there aren’t many places you can see stars but Bokuto found a place where there wasn’t a single streetlight or building blocking them. They laid on the grass and gazed at the other world just beyond their reach. “It’s pretty right?” Bokuto’s voice grew quiet. “Yea, it’s pretty.” Akaashi’s voice was quiet, but for once it matched Bokuto’s, “Thank you Bokuto-san.”

(credits to artist I couldn't find the name sorry!!!)

One day turned to many, too many. Akaashi was afraid, every day they spent together Bokuto was that much closer to finding out that all Akaashi is and ever was is a waste of space.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

Akaashi’s phone was going off.

He had been in the middle of praying to a god he didn’t believe in. Hesitantly he checked it.

3 New Messages.

Bokuto: Akaaashiiiii

Bokuto: Can we hang out todayyyyy??????

Bokuto: PLEASEEEEEE

Akaashi: Sure Bokuto-san.

Akaashi knew he shouldn't. He shouldn’t let himself get any closer to Bokuto, but he always found himself saying yes before he could think.

Bokuto: YAYYYY

Bokuto: Also after we have fun can you help me with my homework???????

Akaashi rolled his eyes.

Akaashi: Fine.

Bokuto: Thanks Akaashiiii your the bestest!!!!!

The best huh? No. He’s not, he’s nowhere near the best. “I got some food,” Kenma said in his usual calm, quiet voice, he was incredibly different from Bokuto. Akaashi shook his head violently.

‘Don’t get close.’

The surprise hit him after about a minute of thinking. Kenma got to wrapped up in his games to eat, and Akaashi hoped that he’d starve to death if he didn’t eat, in the end, both ate very rarely. “You brought food?” Akaashi wasn’t hungry if he wasn’t gonna die he might as well get the perfect body right? “K-um...an...um...acquaintance forced me to take it.” He was lying. Kenma never called people friends much less acquaintances. Akaashi was pretty sure Kenma never learned how to be polite in that sense.

The time came to hang out with Bokuto.

Kenma took a deep breath before opening the door “Hey Koutarou,” He mumbled in the most displeased tone Akaashi ever heard from him. “Akaashi. Koutarou is here.” Akaashi nodded in response. He was standing in the kitchen, he could see him. “Hey! Hey! Hey! Kenma! How’ve you been!” Bokuto was probably doing his best to contain his excitement, even if it barely showed. “Fine.” Before Bokuto could say anything else Kenma turned away and continued his game. “A-Akaashi!” Bokuto turned a light shade of pink. Did he have something on him? He didn’t think so. He wore his glasses a white v-neck button up and some jeans. They were clean. At least he thought they were, he couldn’t really tell. “C’mon I’ve got a surprise for you!” Bokuto recovered himself. “O-Okay, let’s see it.” Akaashi’s smile was faint, but there.

It had been one of his few real smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters already? Welp, I hope this chapter was good! I also hope it gives you a bit of happiness bc it's getting worse from here...ANYWAY get some water to eat some food! As always let me know if you have suggestions! Or if you think I'm portraiting anything wrong!!


	4. I Never Meant To Do This To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Bokutuo’s a mess. You hurt him bad.” Kenma had regained his composure, “He’s worried you’re going to die. I’m going to tell him your ok and up”
> 
> A choked sob left Akaashi.
> 
> ‘I’m so sorry Bokuto-san.’
> 
> ‘I’m so so sorry’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh Yes. Chapter 4. Here comes the angst. I really hope I did a good job portraying the things Akaashi is struggling with. TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT

“You’re the best,” The words echoed in his head.

‘Best’

‘The Best. A word used to describe someone or something above average.’

  
  


Akaashi wasn’t the best, he was average. No, not average, worse than average. “Akaashi. You’re phone. If you're not gonna answer, at least silence it.” Akaashi didn’t even realize his phone was ringing. “Sorry.” He said so harshly, it wasn’t meant to be like that, but looking at the contact calling made him feel cold. Empty. 

  
  


Mother.

  
  


“Akaashi, sweetie,” His mother's voice was displeased and harsh, “What took you so long to answer. I’m supposed to be a priority.” “Sorry, mother. I was getting some studying in, and I had to finish my chapter.”

  
  


Lie number 1. 

  
  


The truth? 

Akaashi had been staring down at the knife, still in his head, playing Bokuto’s words over and over again in his mind. 

“Hm. Good. Always remember, you’re nothing to anyone if you can’t get good grades. Without grades you’re going to be useless to society and your future wife.”

“Yes, mother.”

Useless. 

Wife.

Society.

Grades.

“Oh! That’s right. Akaashi, sweetie. Do you think you could be home this weekend? There’s a sweet girl your father and I want you to meet. Oh, and her parents work in law they could be good to have a connection with.”

Home.

He hated that place. 

Home.

“Of course,” Akaashi said those words, but why.

“Good. See you then” His mother wasted no time, she hung up without another word. 

Ding.

Akaashi checked his phone. His parents never texted, so he didn't have to worry about that.

  
  


1 New Message

Bokuto: Akaaaaaaashiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

He was over-excited about something.

Akaashi: Yes?

Bokuto: Can we hang outtttt. 

Akaashi: I’m busy today.

Bokuto: Saturday then????????

Saturday. 

Spending time with Bokuto was much more appealing than going to his parents.

Akaashi: I can’t. I’m going to my parents.

Bokuto: Awww!!! Next weekend!!!

Akaashi: Sure.

  
  


‘Sorry Bokuto-san, I’m so sorry’

  
  


Saturday was here.

“Akaashi. Come in.” His mother exclaimed. “Son.” His father’s face was straight, and he gave a slight nod. 

No hug, no how have you been, no signs that they were family and not strangers. Although, they might as well be.

His parents made him help with work all day. It was 6:15 currently. 

“She’ll be here soon.”

Soon was soon. Too soon, Akaashi wasn’t ready to have to fake a smile for her. 

“Come in, Come in” His mother opened the door with a new found excitement. “Akaashi, meet Alana.”

  
  


His heart stopped. It was clear that Alana wasn’t aware of this meeting either. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Alana said bowing her head and hiding a scowl.

“Same to you.” Akaashi’s smile was there, fake, but there. That should be good enough. 

Dinner was tense for both Alana and Akaashi. Akaashi felt bad for Alana, having to sit through this with someone she hated. 

  
  


“Thank you for having me. It was nice meeting you, Akaashi.” Alana was surprisingly good at acting. 

  
  


Akaashi was back. He didn’t text Bokuto or notify Kenma, who was out, a rareity in itself. Instead, Akaashi went to his room. 

‘Useless to everybody’

‘Lazy’

Akaashi stared at the bruises. His parents weren’t bad, but they still hit him for punishments, even though he was an adult, and he paid for everything of his.

‘Just end it’

He looked over to his right.

‘End it all, never have to worry about them again’

He took hold of the knife. He never liked blood. He didn’t think he could actually kill himself that way, He looked to his left. 

Pills.

  
  


He tried pills before, to no luck, but if he took more this time…He took a little over handful and swallowed. The drowsiness came quicker than he’d anticipated. 

  
  
  
  


He fell asleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  


When he woke up he was in the hospital.

  
  
  


He took a moment to adjust his eyes and ears. Kenma….Kenma was….sobbing. Akaashi moved to get up, he was still drowsy, Kenma jerked himself up wiping his eyes. “A-Akaashi” He draped himself onto him and hugged him tighter than he knew Kenma had the ability to. 

“What happened?” Akaashi’s voice was shaky and barely audible.

Kenma hit him in the gut. “Yo-you idiot! Why would you do that, try to k-kill youe-se-lf” Kenma’s voice was cracky, he sounded hurt, Akaashi hurt him. “I’m sorry,” Akaashi was now crying. “Bokuto’s a mess. You hurt him bad.” Kenma had regained his composure, “He’s worried you’re going to die. I’m going to tell him your ok and up”

A choked sob left Akaashi.

‘I’m so sorry Bokuto-san.’

‘I’m so so sorry’

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 might take me a bit longer to do...I'm not sure if it will or not I just want everyone to know, I'm going into school tomorrow and I might not have as much time to work on The Truth Comes Out. It will be up by the end of the day Wednesday, that's for sure!!!


	5. The Guilt That Comes With Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loved seeing Bokuto, even with the fear of his bruises or cuts being exposed. He loved seeing him, and yet at the same time he hated it. 
> 
> He hated it, hated the guilt that came with him everytime he saw anyone. 
> 
> He hated himself for hating it, after all he deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if anyone reads the notes at all but, more than any other chapter this one hits really really close to home. I originally started this fic to help with my urges to cut, and hopefully, help, or at least entertain others. I'm getting really really close to my 2-month aneversity for being clean, and no one even knows. Also that story flashback thing. Is something that happened when I was around 10, so please be nice it's a sensitive topic for me. (Of course, I edited it a bit to fit Akaashi's character) So I wanted to put it somewhere where I can say that while still being anonyms to a point. TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM and MENTIONS OF A PREVIOUS SUICIDE ATTEMPT

14 

15

16

17

It had been a month since Akaashi’s suicide attempt. Due to the fact that overdoses don’t require much medical attention, and the fact that Akaashi had appeared to be fine, Kenma had slacked on the constant babysitting. 

Fine.




17 cuts. 17 on his right arm alone. He appeared to be fine. That’s what Kenma needed from him. That’s what Bokuto needed. That’s what Kuroo, Kenma’s now boyfriend and Bokuto’s “best bro”, needed. His parents were never notified due to Kenma’s request. Akaashi was thankful for that, he wouldn’t be able to act fine if they were bombarding him with insults. Akaashi hated blood, he hated the idea of cutting himself too deep, but, for some reason, cutting himself felt so good. He hated himself for it, but he was slightly proud, proud that he had control of something, proud that he could hide his emotions from everyone. He looked down and rolled up his sweat pants to reveal his thigh.

Bruises.

When he didn’t cut, when he didn't have a blade he hit himself. The bruises were no longer there because of his parents, they were there because of him. He was slightly proud. He took something from his parents, they lost to him.

“Heyyyyy Agasshi” Boktuo had been struggling with something but Akaashi couldn’t figure out what it was. “Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said with a slight smile. 

He loved seeing Bokuto, even with the fear of his bruises or cuts being exposed. He loved seeing him, and yet at the same time he hated it. 

He hated it, hated the guilt that came with him every time he saw anyone. 

  
  


He hated himself for hating it, after all, he deserved it.

  
  
  


...

Numb.

What’s it like. You know, what’s it like to be truly happy. Not for a minute or an hour. 

  
  


1 more cut.

  
  


What’s it like to not feel empty, numb, cold. 

  
  


2 more won’t hurt anyone.

  
  


To love life.

3.

  
  


To not want to die.

  
  


That’s something Akaashi wouldn’t know.

(flashback)

Age 9:

It all begun here. Akaashi had been a normal kid. He hadn’t been the best at expressing emotions, but he was happy, normal, warm. 

That all changed. 

It was Christmas week, Akaashi’s grandma was visiting, all was going well. Akaashi’s mom and her sister, his aunt, had gotten into a fight. Akaashi didn’t think much of it. But that changed quickly. His dad took his aunt’s side, much to the displeasure of his mom. In the end, cops were called his parents fought physically. At one point his grandma called his mom crazy. Being 9 Akaashi told his mom. Fights got worse, and Akaashi had to be in the middle of it all. He heard both sides of the story through yelling and tears. When it was all over Akaashi was no longer allowed to speak to his Aunt or grandma, everyone moved on, no one worried about the state Akaashi was in after it all. 

No one.

That was when Akaashi really understood that no one would ever truly care about him. 

  
  


He sunk into a numb state, and it all got worse from there. He lost the tiny sliver of trust he had in his parents, he lost any confidence he had in himself, and the most heart-shattering one was that he lost himself in the process. He became a shell. A shell of the person he once was.

(End of flashback)

  
  


...

Pills. 

  
  


Akaashi couldn’t look at pills. He refused to see a therapist or accept any diagnoses. In the end, he came up with a good lie. He believed it. Kenma...not so much, but it was more important that the doctors believed him. He couldn’t end up in the psych ward. He couldn't.

...

“Akashiii?” Bokuto looked worried. They were hanging out again, Akaashi was supposed to be getting better and he zoned out. “S-sorry I was thinking” “About what?” The owl-headed boy pried. 

Lie.

You need a lie.

  
  


“The fact that I’m happy I survived.” A gentle smile found his face. The answer was a lie, but his smile.

  
  


His smile was real. That makes two times. Two times you made me smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading I can't believe so many people read this I really really hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 6 should be up tomorrow or Thursday!


	6. You Have Secrets Too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I-It’s C-co-comeing” Bokuto looked petrified. “What’s coming?” Akaashi said while looking around.
> 
> Coming?
> 
> A scream jolted his attention back to Bokuto. “N-no!” The owl boy panicked. “Bokuto-san, there’s no one there.” 
> 
> Mistake number one.
> 
> “IT IS” Bokuto’s scream made Akaashi flinch, remembering memories from childhood wasn’t fun. Tears ran down Bokuto’s cheeks. Akaashi wanted nothing more than to help him, but he didn’t know what was happening. Along with that, Akaashi could feel the panic rising. 
> 
> People.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! Here's chapter 6 sorry it took so long! I made Bokuto Skizophrinic, obviously, I don't know a lot about schizophrenia, I did some research, but if I say anything that might portray it wrong or if it's offensive in ANY WAY don't hesitate to tell me I'll change it IMMEDIATELY. The idea came from a fanfic I read I'm so so sorry I forgot the name it's so good and I'll edit this when I remember it!

(Flashback) 

Age 13:

Akaashi was never good enough. He was called lazy, useless, or even a soon-to-be failure by his parents. He was numb and yet it still hurt. That would be the day he decided. It was autumn, a chilly day, but not cold. 

“You never do anything right!” His mom shrieked. His father joined in “I wish we chose abortion. You know son. You were unwanted, and it’s because of our kindness you’re even here.” His tone was harsh, brutal, honest, and he spoke with a straight face, never once losing composure. It was one C. One C in math, in seventh grade, and his shell crumbled just a little bit more.

  
  


‘Five years.’ He decided.

  
  


‘In five years you’re out of the house. In five years you can end it’

  
  


(End of FlashBack)

…

  
  
  
  
  


It’s been six years since that day. 

  
  


His plan got put off track.

  
  


“Here” Kenma’s voice was neutral but comforting. Kenma set their tea down and engulfed Akaashi in a hug. He could tell when Akaashi was off, maybe it was because he started to pay more attention to his state.

Ding.

Akaashi’s phone went off, and Kenma pulled himself from the other. “By the way, Kuroo’s coming over soon” Akaashi hummed. Turning his attention to his phone.

  
  


1 New Message.

  
  


Bokuto: HIIIIII

  
  


Akaashi: Hi. 

  
  


Bokuto: I know I should’ve asked but i saw KUROO AND IM ON MY WAY TO YOUR DORMMMMMM

  
  


Akaahsi: Bokuto-san. 

Bokuto: AKaashIIII

  
  


Akaashi: It’s fine. Let me get myself ready.

  
  


Bokuto: YAYYY

  
  


A knock came from the main area. Bokuto and Kurro ran in. Bokuto greeted Akaashi with a large overly aggressive hug. Akaashi guess Kuroo tried to do the same because he heard a “Kuroo I’m short” and a loud thump.”AGAASHI!” Bokuto exclaimed still on Akaashi. “Yes, Bokuto-san” Akaashi patted him signaling for him to get off. “Let’s go SOMEWHERE.” Bokuto’s eyes lit up. Akaashi nodded, “where?” “Not sure yet but we’ll figure it out!!” 

  
  
  
  


They didnt.

  
  


They were wandering around when suddenly Bokuto froze. Akaashi stopped wondering what the matter was. “Bokuto-san?” He inquired.

  
  


“I-It’s C-co-comeing” Bokuto looked petrified. “What’s coming?” Akaashi said while looking around.

  
  


Coming?

A scream jolted his attention back to Bokuto. “N-no!” The owl boy panicked. “Bokuto-san, there’s no one there.” 

  
  
  
  


Mistake number one.

  
  


“IT IS” Bokuto’s scream made Akaashi flinch, remembering memories from childhood wasn’t fun. Tears ran down Bokuto’s cheeks. Akaashi wanted nothing more than to help him, but he didn’t know what was happening. Along with that, Akaashi could feel the panic rising. 

  
  


People.

  
  
  


‘People are staring.’

  
  
  


His anxiety was building up. His breathing became unsteady, he did the only thing he could think to do.

Call Kuroo.

Kuroo and him were “best bros” he would know what was happening.

  
  


It rang a few times before Kuroo picked up.

  
  


“Akaa-” Kuroo never got a chance to finish his sentence. Doing his best to manage his anxiety Akaashi swallowed hard. “Bokuto. H-he froze and he's de-demanding somethings there. “I-I’m on my way,” Kuroo spoke with a new urgency.

It made Akaashi wonder if he was going to die.

  
  
  


‘He got here fast’

It took him less than five minutes to make it there. Akaashi wasn’t sure how he got there so fast, but he didn't care.

  
  


“What’s going on?” Akaashi said voice shaking. “He’s having a schizophrenia attack” Kuroo’s voice was urgent and stern, something Akaashi never thought he’d hear from the bed head rooster.

  
  
  


After a bit Bokuto calmed down.

  
  


“Aga-” “Bokuto-san, I need to know what’s going on,” Akaashi said voice gentle but urgent. Bokuto gulped “Yea...I’ll tell you everything Agaashi.”

That was it. Akaashi would know Bokuto's big bad secret. 

Bokuto sighed. "I guess the truth always comes out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! I should have chapter 7 out by tomorrow.


	7. I Told You Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii. This chapter is a bit more light-hearted! TW Skitzophrinia and the world's briefest mention of cuts. Idk if that triggers anyone but I thought I'd put it there just in case. I really really hope you guys enjoy this chapter!! If you don't plz tell me what I can do to make it more enjoyable!!! Enjoy!

“K-Kuroo? I thought you dropped out!” 

  
  


“You’re smart right?” 

  
  


“Can you maybe tutor me?”

  
  
  


“C’mon there’s something I wanna show you,” 

  
  
  
  


“Thanks Akaashiiii your the bestest!!!!!”

  
  


Memories filled his head, and Akaashi wondered how he never noticed. He never noticed those tiny moments where Bokuto was on edge for no given reason.

  
  
  
  
  


“So...yea Bo’s schizophrenic.” Bokuto struggled to say it to Akaashi, so Kuroo broke the news to him. “Heh, Sorry ‘Kaashi,” Bokuto looked so timid, Akaashi missed the energeticness that he got used to. Akaashi got up. He’d never been good with emotions but he did his best.

‘Bokuto needs this right now

  
  


Akaashi dropped to his knees to reach the level where Bokuto was sitting. And then he did something, something he hoped would show Bokuto he was here for him. He embraced him, it was a hug that Akaashi put all his effort into. He’d never tried to hard to make someone aware he cared about them. “I’m guessing Bo didn’t take his pills and had an attack.” Kuroo’s voice was calm and oddly gentle. Of course because it was Kuroo so Akaashi relied with something he’d been wanting to say for a while now. “Kuroo-san, being wise and gentle dosen’t suit you. Actually It’s really creeping me out.” Kenma snorted. And Bokuto stopped crying for long enough to let out a laugh. “Wh-Kitten you to?” “Sorry Kuroo” Kenma said while holding back another laugh.

  
  
  


Akaashi did some research on schizophrenia, he wanted to be able to help Bokuto. 

  
  


‘I’ll live for long enough to help Bokuto through this’

  
  
  


‘I’ll live till’ he doesn’t need me anymore.’

  
  


“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi walked toward the boy “Akaaaashiii” He still couldn’t pronounce his name right. “Hey, what’s wrong” Akaashi studied his face. “Are you with me because you’ve got p-pity o-r,” Bokuto’s words were breaking apart. He was worried that Akaashi felt pity for him? 

“No.” Akaashi’s voice was stern, “I’m not here because I pity you. I’m here because I want to hang out with you.” Bokuto finally met Akaashi’s eyes. “R-really. Akaaashii” Akaashi just nodded and hugged Bokuto. “Actually there’s something I’ve got to ask you.” Bokuto’s eyes light up with excitement, but there was still fear. “Come on” They got to a classroom. “ ‘Kaashi? Why are we here?” Bokuto’s confusion was obvious. 

  
  


This classroom.

  
  


This classroom was where…

  
  


“This is the place I first saw you. When you went to the wrong class, and you had that stupid conversation with Kuroo.” “W-wait. AGASHII you-” Bokuto started to sputter nonsense. “Bokuto-san. I’m not good with emotions, and I get if you hate me for this.” Akaashi took a deep breath and kissed Bokuto. 

  
  


‘Bisexual maybe, but you’re not straight’

  
  


In that moment his worries faded. His parents, his cuts, his past, everything just faded away.

When they finally pulled away from each other Bokuto spoke “Akgaashi. I think- actually I know I-I love you.” 

That day Akaashi’s world brightened just a little bit more.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im gonna start a kuroken fanfic. I'm still gonna be working on this one tho!! I just want to have something to alternate with!!! Chapter 8 will be out tomorrow!!! Sorry if it wasn't as happy as you wanted, it is angst I still gotta break your heart somehow.


	8. I'm Still Being Held Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Bokuto-san everything ok?” He inquired. “Hm, yea, I-I thought I heard something.” Akaashi couldn't tell if he was lying or telling the truth so he nodded accepting the answer.
> 
> They sat talked cuddled...at some point Bokuto started to indirectly ask Akaashi for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. I'm keeping my innocence I'm gonna keep this fanfic wholesome. I thought about it bc I feel like it would be an opportunity to write something out of my comfort zone...I really thought about it. This chapter is short and not as interesting (to me at least) But I promise moments from this chapter are gonna come in later on and it's gonna get way more interesting just wait. TRIGGER WARNING brief mentions of cuts and bruises. schizophrenia (still don't know if that needs a trigger warning so I'm putting it there just in case)

Love. 

  
  
  


What exactly is love?

  
  


Did Akaashi love Bokuto? Or was he just playing himself? 

  
  
  


‘You won’t hurt him’ Thoughts echoed in his head

  
  
  


‘You’re going to be there till he doesn’t need you anymore’

  
  


Bokuto’s schizophrenia was manageable. But as Akaashi paid more attention he noticed his paranoia, or him tensing and staring while they watched a movie. 2 months passed since Akaashi found out about Bokuto. 

  
  


He stuck to easy self-harm when he couldn’t control his urges, of course, Bokuto had no awareness of the hole Akaashi was still in.

  
  


Up and tell recently Kuroo took care of Bokuto when he was having an attack, now Akaashi insisted on doing it. He had 3 attacks in the past 2 months, Kuroo said it was the worst he’s seen him.

  
  


“Akaaashiii?” Bokuto said shocked, Akaashi responded with a faint smile. “W-you- came- me volleyball?” “Bokuto-san, normal words please.” Bokuto shook his head violently to snap himself out of whatever daze he was in. “You came to my volleyball practice?” “Yes, Yes I did Bokuto-san. Is there a problem with me being here? I can leave.” “N-No!” Bokuto screeched, but Akaashi felt like teasing him. “Since you don’t want me here, I’ll go,” Akaashi said, sounding unenthusiastic as always. “AGAAASHII”, “See you at my dorm when you're done,” Akaashi said, turning away. “AKAA-wait his dorm….OK BYE AGAASHIII” Bokuto yelled until a team member finally lost his patience. “The captain shouldn’t lose focus so easily Bokuto.”

  
  
  


…

  
  
  


Bokuto bursted into the dorm. “I’m here!!!!”, “I’m in my room,” Akaashi replied. 

  
  


His room? For the four months, Bokuto and Akaashi knew each other not once did he ever see Akaashi’s room. 

  
  


“Wow,” Bokuto said upon entering the room. “Wow what?” Akaashi responded slightly to harsh, Bokuto paid no mind to his tone though “It’s messier than I expected.” He quickly added. “Is there a problem” Akaashi turned to meet Bokuto’s gaze. “N-No you just seem so put together I thought you’d be a neat freak.”, “I’m not” Akaashi added, ending the conversation about his cleanliness. “I’ll make some tea, make yourself comfortable,” Akaashi said, giving Bokuto a quick peck on the lips.

  
  
  


…

  
  
  


Akaashi came back with the tea and Bokuto sat with a worried look on his face. “Hey, Bokuto-san everything ok?” He inquired. “Hm, yea, I-I thought I heard something.” Akaashi couldn't tell if he was lying or telling the truth so he nodded accepting the answer.

They sat talked cuddled...at some point Bokuto started to indirectly ask Akaashi for more. And Akaashi would’ve happily obliged if it wasn’t for one key factor. His arms were scared and his legs were bruised. 

“Bokuto-san,” “Yea ‘Kaashi?” “I-I’m not ready for that, I- don't know how to-” He got cut off “You don't have to do anything yet,” Bokuto said without a hint of disappointment in his voice. 

‘God, I’m lucky’

'I'm so lucky to have someone like him, even if it's not gonna last' 

A small frail smile found his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, chapter 9 will be here tomorrow! Also I'm working on that Kuroken fanfic I talked about last time so that should be out soon. God I love angst. ANYWAY thanks for reading!


	9. I Made Myself A Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Bokuto observed, tears started falling. He wasn’t sure when they did. Or how many fell. He was only sure that he would make Akaashi feel better.
> 
> Even if it was the last thing he did.
> 
> 'I'll make you happy Akaashi.'
> 
> 'I will.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WILL FOLLOW BOKUTO AND HIS THOUGHTS INSTEAD OF AKAASHI. Here's where some parts of that lame-ass chapter I wrote yesterday come in. Sorry for putting this up so much later than normal I was super busy today and didn't post it. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!! TRIGGER WARNING SCHIZOPHRENIA AND MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM!!!!

Bokuto wasn’t stupid. 

  
He might not be the brightest but he wasnt stupid.

  
Last night. He wasn’t just horny...or in a mood, no he wasn’t at all. 

  
He was checking. 

  
‘Akaashi, why’

  
He looked down at the knife. He found it in Akaashi’s room in between his nightstand and his wall.

  
… 

“Broooo. I don’t know what to do...I-I j-just-” Bokuto sobbed he had been a mess since his biggest fear was confirmed. “Bo,” Kuroo embrace him in a hug, “Tell me what happened.” “I-It’s A-Agaashi, H-he’s c-cutting.” Bokuto felt Kuroo tense. It wasn’t fair to tell him that, not with his past, but Bokuto had nowhere to turn and he found him sobbing. “A-And you know this,” Kuroo took a large gulp, “how?” “I-dropped hints b-because kn-knowing Agash-shi he would’ve-” Bokuto said words breaking. “Hey, hey it’s ok I get it.” Kuroo cooed despite his discomfort.

  
Kuroo and Bokuto were falling asleep, after hours of crying when Bokuto screamed. “Bo?” Kuroo questioned half asleep. “G-get away. D-don’t.” Another attack. They were becoming more frequent lately. “Please no!” Bokuto shrieked. “Hey. hey, hey. Bo close your eyes. I’m gonna keep it away from you. No matter what happens don't open your eyes till your sure it's gone” Kuroo instructed. Reluctantly Bokuto closed his eyes and clutched onto Kuroo. 

  
It was over.

The attack passed. Bokuto finally went back to his normal cheery self. 

  
…

  
“AGAASHIII” Bokuto yelled doing his best to keep himself together. “Bokuto-san,” Akaashi replied. 

‘How do I figure out how bad it is? I can’t let him know I know because…’

  
“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi’s voice pulled him from thought. “Yea!!” Bokuto replied. “Are you ok?” “Hm, Of course I was thinking about volleyball!” Akaashi just nodded. 

  
They hung out.

Nothing was different.

Not for Akaashi at least.

But Bokuto. His mind was spinning. Something slightly new to him and at the same time old. His mind never spun unless he was having an attack.

  
‘How do I check?’

“Agaashi! Can I stay in your dorm tonighttt!” Bokuto blurted before he could think. Akaashi looked shocked for a second, just a second, before returning to his usual straight face. “Sure Bokuto-san” He said back gently.

…

It was around 3 in the morning Akaashi was asleep. There was a little bit of light coming from the city buildings. Bokuto moved carefully as to not wake Akaashi. He carefully rolled up his sleeve to reval the cuts Akaashi ha been acquiring. Bokuto help back a shriek. 

It was bad.

Really bad.

  
You couldn’t see any untouched skin from his forearm to about half way up his bicep. 

  
It was all...

  
It was all...scared

  
There were new ones, older ones.

  
So many. 

  
As Bokuto observed, tears started falling. He wasn’t sure when they did. Or how many fell. He was only sure that he would make Akaashi feel better.

  
Even if it was the last thing he did.

  
'I'll make you happy Akaashi.'

  
'I will.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapter 10 tomorrow!!! As always let me know if I portrayed things wrong I don't have any experience with schizophrenia so obviously I can learn things. The depression and self-harm are recreations of how my struggle went/is going but if you have any suggestions tell me for sure! I think later on I might make a fic that feeds off of what I briefly mention about Kuroo's past..but idk!


	10. I Made A Plan Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I'm sorry for not updating yesterday I got busy and when I was finally all done I did some socializing (which is on the rarer side for me), in short, I never got a chance to update so sorry about that. TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM. ALSOOO: this chapter is still following Bokuto instead of Akaashi! So enjoy!

(Flash Back)

  
  


Age 14:

  
  
  


“Bo. Bo! Bokuto!” Kuroo pleaded, “Please.”

  
  


Along with Bokuto’s schizophrenia he struggled with depression, Bokuto looked at Kuroo.

It was a bad day. 

  
  


It was so bad that not even a humm came from Bokuto. He just lost his mom, and it shattered him.

  
  


“Up you go.” Kuroo lifted Bokuto up to the best of his abilities. “You don’t get to do those creepy silent protests. He could read his mind. 

Kuroo filled the bath and undressed Bokuto, gesturing for him to get in. Barely, Bokuto obliged.

  
  


After getting out Bokuto finally had the motivation to say a shart simple “Thanks Kuroo”.

  
  
  


(End Of Flashback)

  
  


Bokuto thought. How was he going to help Akaashi? “Bo, I get your worried but you can barely take care of yourself” Kuroo’s eyes left Bokuto’s as he clearly had memories of Bokuto’s bad days. “I love him Kuroo, I have to help him.” “Fine”

  
  
  
  
  
  


…

  
  
  
  


Days past and Bokuto had nothing. Eventually he decided. 

‘Just show him all the good things in life. Show him better coping methods!’ Bokuto knew for this to work he’d have to do something he tried really hard to avoid. He had to tell Akaashi about his past.

  
  


The past he tried so hard to cover up.

  
  
  


The past he forced himself to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Chapter 11 should be out tomorrow!! Remember to take care of you and your mental health! I know it's short I'm not feeling well. I cant get luckyyy. next chapter will be longer I just wanted to put something out!


	11. Im Lost In A Place With No Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: NOTES CONTAIN TALK ABOUT CUTTING Heyyy. Soooo in an hour and 11 minutes (My time when writing this) Im 2 months clean from cutting!!! Yay....idk if I should feel proud or not bc I'm not that proud. BUT Ima pretend I am. ANYWAY bc, Im a bitch this chapter is gonna follow Akaashi! TRIGGER WARNING TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE SELF HARM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: NOTES CONTAIN TALK ABOUT CUTTING Heyyy. Soooo in an hour and 11 minutes (My time when writing this) Im 2 months clean from cutting!!! Yay....idk if I should feel proud or not bc I'm not that proud. BUT Ima pretend I am. ANYWAY bc, Im a bitch this chapter is gonna follow Akaashi! TRIGGER WARNING TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE SELF HARM This chapter is kinda shitty and short I PROMISE ITS GONNA GET BETTER I PROMISE

Akaashi laid in bed. When was the last time he got up. He didn’t know. He laid, skipped classes. Kenma had said he was getting worried, but Akaashi couldn’t bring himself to care. He didn’t care about anything, not right now. Not his parents, not school, no one, nothing. After no longer being able to deal with his hunger and contrast growling of his stomach he got up trying to get food. Kenma was in class no doubt covering for Akaashi again, so he was alone. 

  
  


‘Why am I alive’

  
  


Akaashi dragged himself back to his bed. As he was praying for death he heard a knock. Ignoring it Akaashi fished his prayer to a god he didnt belive in and went to go back to sleep when.

  
  
  


Ding

  
  
  


His phone went off. Should he check it or not? In the end he did, deciding it was his punishment for not turning it off. 

  
  
  


Bokuto: AKAASHIIII we haven’t hung out for a whileeeeeeee. I got you something lol. It's at your door!!!!!!

  
  


Something at his door!

  
  


Akaashi: Ok, Thank you Bokuto-san 

He checked deciding Boktuo would know if he didn’t. Akaashi opened the door to reveal an owl blanket, a stuffed owl, and flowers. 

  
  


‘He deserves better than me’

  
  


Bringing them inside Akaashi went to his bed. He rolled up his sleeve. It was….Akaashi couldn’t tell how he felt about them. He used to feel a bit of pride when he made one. But now...What would Bokuto say? Akaashi can’t hide them forever. 

  
  


‘How much longer till I can try again’

Life was too much. It was too painful, too much to handle, why was he alive. He never wanted to be alive...so why?

  
  
  
  
  


…

  
  
  


Two weeks had past since Akaashi’s breakdown. He was back at school and back to hanging out with Bokuto, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Bokuto had something to say. What was it though? Why didn’t he want to say it? Questions swirled around his mind. 

‘No’ He mentally slapped himself. He had nothing to worry about. If he wanted Akaashi to know he would tell him.

  
  
  


But still. Akaashi wondered what did he need to say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Chapter 12 will be out tomorrow!


	12. Choices And Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A thought Akaashi already knew he'd be thinking about a lot. Which choice and which consequence?
> 
> Akaashi was sure that the fact that he was alive was why there was a dilemma, but there was more to it. He stared down at the knife. The blade that had been there to see all of his darkest moments, the blade that was there to help him gain control. 
> 
> ‘Do I stop and tell Bokuto? Or do I have my relief’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 12! I'm sorry the last 2 were so rushed, I had a lot of things I was doing but I wanted to put them up. Anywayssss chapter 12, I personally think it's a lot better than the past 2. TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF SCARS MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND REFERENCES TO TOOLS USED FOR CUTTING MENTIONS OF PSYCH WARDS!!!! This chapter is really focusing on what goes on in Akaashi's head. Enjoy.

Dilemmas.

  
Akaashi noticed his life was a dilemma. 

Noted.

  
Akaashi was sure that the fact that he was alive was why there was a dilemma, but there was more to it. He stared down at the knife. The blade that had been there to see all of his darkest moments, the blade that was there to help him gain control. 

  
‘Do I stop and tell Bokuto? Or do I have my relief’

  
He looked down at his legs. He had black sweat pants on, his bruises were covered. His legs weren’t nearly as bad as his arms. 

  
‘Which do I pick?’

Somewhere deep down he knew that he could get help and be better, if he didn’t he wouldn’t be contemplating.

…

A knock came from the door, no doubt it was Bokuto. He stuck around even more than usual, but Akaashi didn’t mind. It filled the void he had, even if it was just for a little bit. Anything was better than having the void forever. Even so. Even though he filled the void. Even though Akaashi loved him and enjoyed being around him, guilt crept up whenever he was near. Bokuto’s schizophrenia had been better, less attack, less frequent. But Akaashi always worried he would have one and Akaashi wouldn’t be able to help. 

  
‘He's going to leave you behind, just wait.’

  
The fears that controlled Akaashi were the same ones that felt relief every cut or bruise he made. The only real way to relive them.

Was to end it.

If he died he wouldn’t be able to feel thoughts fears he wouldn’t have to worry. He could float around in peace. 

  
Akaashi never believed in a god, but he always believed there was something beyond life. An afterlife you could call it. But not one where a god determined everything, In his afterlife there was no hierarchy, no sides. It was peaceful and no one worried. 

  
‘A nice place to be. And you know how to get there’ 

  
Akaashi must’ve had a pained expression on his face because Bokuto snapped him out of it with urgency.

  
“ ‘Kasshiii. Come on let's go there” Bokuto was bouncing with energy, but Akaashi could still tell. He was holding something in. What was it? The urge to ask filled Akaashi, but he restraint himself.

…

  
‘Which do I pick?’ 

  
Akaashi knew if he told Bokuto he’d end up locked up in a psych ward. It was his biggest fear. But still, still there was something in him urging him to tell Bokuto. The urge was there but not strong enough, not strong enough to give him a decision.

He was torn. Trying to pull the tiny piece of him to the side Akaashi felt was better. But it wouldn’t budge no matter how much he tried. It stayed.

  
‘You’ve got choices, but choices...they have consequences’

'Which consequence do you pick? Which choice is better'

A thought Akaashi already knew he'd be thinking about a lot. Which choice and which consequence?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. 13 should be out tomorrow!


	13. For Everyone To See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey it’s ok”
> 
> ‘Your a terrible person, not being happy for him’
> 
> “A-Akaashi-san,”
> 
> ‘Useless to society’
> 
> It was on display for the world to see.
> 
> Here it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! some new characters are being introduced! This is going to piggyback off a few things in past chapters so just pointing that out TRIGGER WARNING: SCARS MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SELF HARM, CUSSING, and PANIC ATTACKS. This chapters longer than the last ones and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out! I hope you enjoy reading it

“Come on, there’s someone you should meet,” Kenma called. He was still so quiet but there was a newfound confidence in him.

  
  


Akaashi was happy for him. Or at least he thinks he is. He felt so numb, it was polite to be happy for someone when they gain something, right? So why didn’t he feel all that? Kenma had struggles too, and yet he was always helping Akaashi in his own way, so why, why wasn’t he excited for him? 

‘Your a terrible person, not being happy for him’

  
  


Why? Why couldn’t he be normal? It wasn’t internal conflict, he just didn't feel anything. 

‘Fuck! Even jealousy would be better than this’

  
  


Nothing. It was all empty. He didn’t feel upset that he gained something, but he couldn’t bring himself to be happy. It was always like this. He was always so numb, for as long as he could remember, so why? Why did it bother him? Why couldn’t Akaashi function normally?

  
  


“Yea...I’ve gotta use the bathroom before we go” Akaashi managed to sputter out. “Hm, Ok I’ll be in the car, don’t take to long Akaashi.” Akaashi was shaking. They were in his dorm, he knew where the bathroom was, and yet he felt so...so lost. He was in a bottomless pit. And slowly he sunk deeper and deeper into it. He was past the point of being able to be pulled out as his breathing picked up and his heart rate increased.

‘Worthless’

  
  


‘Grades’

  
  


‘Useless to society’

  
  


‘Wife’

  
  


‘Disappointment’

  
  


‘Mess’

  
  


Choked sobs left Akaashi as he gasped for air. He didn’t even make it to the bathroom before his legs gave out. Kenma left the dorm to get the car ready or something. Akaashi wasn’t sure. All he knew was he’s alone.

  
  


‘Is this what dying feels like’

  
  


Just as Akaashi was giving up on trying to breath, just as he was giving up on living, Someone hugged him from behind. 

“Hey it’s ok” 

The voice was gentle. It was the voice of someone who’d been in this position many times before, someone who knew Akaashi’s struggles. And yet, as much as he tried he couldn’t recognize them. Finally, after what felt like hours Akaashi’s breathing became stable and the person moved into Akaashi’s view. He had fluffy chestnut brown hair, long arms, beautiful brown eyes. Normally the thought of someone he didn’t know comforting him like this would be enough to send him into a coma, but with this boy...this boy he just met he felt so warm, so content. The boy gave a small smile before looking up. Another person, this one looked like he was more put together. He had silver/gray hair and a birthmark by his eye. He had water in his hand and he was hanging it to Akaashi. He took it briefly wondering when the last time he had water was.

‘2....no 3 days ago….maybe longer’

After a short silence, the gray-haired boy spoke “I’m Sugawara, and this is Oikwawa.” “Akaashi” He muttered sipping his water. He was grateful to them, but at the same time, he couldn’t bring himself to have a nice introduction to the two boys known as Sugawara and Oikawa. “Wait-” Sugawara sputtered, “You don't know us” “OH MY GOD! You totally think we're creepers” Oikawa wasn't wrong. He didn’t know them, so the most logical thing would be to assume they broke in, and yet he didn’t freak out or anything close to that. “So, how did you get in my dorm” Akaashi muttered with his usual neutral expression. “Kenma-san told us to get the keys, he said the door was unlocked so just walk in!” Oikawa explained. He had such a cheery aura Akaashi couldn’t tell if he hated him or not. Suga nodded. “Yea. He also said to drag you down to his car. He thought you were trying to skip out on meeting us” That was a bold assumption, but he could see where Kenma would get it from. Akaashi hummed. “Here I’ll show you a trick that helps me get out of my head,” Oikawa said. Akaashi nodded, still adjusting and figuring out what happened. Oikawa moved, grabbing his arm and rolling up his sleeve before Akaashi had time to react. “I-” Akaashi started. Oikawa dropped his wrist and Suga bent down tentatively hugging Akaashi. 

‘Fuck. Now what. Now what excuse do you use’ 

‘Your so fucking stupid you couldn’t even hide your arms’

“A-Akaashi-san,” Oikawa said with soft words...he said it like he knew what it felt like. Like he knew what Akaashi dealt with.

‘Akaashi-san’ 

  
  


He sounded so hurt even though they just met.

  
  


‘Akaashi-san’ 

Tears fell from his eyes as he thought about the words spoken and the comforting he didn’t deserve to have.

He thought about something Bokuto said once 

"I guess the truth always comes out." 

As Akaashi's world crumbled around him he thought about words Bokuto said. He thought about the words spoken by the love of his life.

"I guess the truth always comes out." 

And so here it was.

His truth. 

It came out. It was on display for the world to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading chapter 14 will be out by tomorrow!!


	14. I Found Someone Like Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy! Sorry, this came out late I had a fucked up day yesterday and never got a chance to even think about writing this chapter...does anyone else's parents get mad for no apparent reason and then yell and stuff bc my mom yelled at me and called me a psychotic disappointment and told me she really wished I wasn't her kid...and idk what happened...AnYwAyS that's my mini-rant bc I needed that Enjoy the chapter! TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF SCARS, SELF HARM, AND SUICIDE.

“Akaashi-san” Oikawa said, his voice was so soft and gentle that Akaashi almost wondered if the cheery boy from earlier and the boy cradling him as he cried were the same person. “I-Its t-to m-much”Akaashi sobbed.

  
  


His front. His barrier broke, it collapsed and they were left with raw emotions. Not the filtered kind that Akaashi used on a daily, but the ones that only Akaashi saw and knew.

  
  
  


They sat there for god knows how long. Kenma had to be getting impatient. Finally, “I’m gonna tell Kenma-” Sugawara started up. 

“NO!” Oikawa yelled, “S-sorry its just I don't think Akaashi-san is ready to deal with that yet” He looked down at the boy curled up in his arms crying. His eyes were those of someone who had more than just sympathy. “Then I’ll tell him we're talking and he can do something for around an hour,” Suga added tentatively. Oikawa nodded and Suga left. “Hey Akaashi-san,” Oikawa said as he lifted him up. With sad eyes he rolled up his own sleeves. 

  
  
  


Scars. 

  
  


Oikawa knew what he was going through. Maybe not completely but he related. Akaashi stabilized his breathing “Y-you too?” He asked, careful to not offend the other in any way. Oikawa just nodded as silent tears fell. “I even tried to off myself once.I get how hard it is” Oikawa barely managed to say.

  
  
  
  
  
  


…

  
  
  
  


Akaashi hung out with Bokuto a lot and anytime he wasn’t with Bokuto he was with Oikawa. Akaashi realized that his cheery bubbly personality was something he used to put other people at ease. He realized that Oikawa did it to hide the fact that he wasn’t ok, he realized that he did the same thing.

  
  


“Mhm, and he’ll have an ice tea,” Oikawa said in a voice too loud for 11 am. “Did you order for me” Akaashi inquired. “Well you were in your own world and i figured you needed that so i ordered” His smile was all too big and all too fake, but Akaashi never once tried to dig deeper he figured when Oikawa needed it he would talk. “You can’t hold it in forever” Akaashi muttered under his breath. “What’s that? I didn’t catch it!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


…

  
  


Akaashi laid on his bed staring at his arms. 

  
  


‘He’s just like me, and yet he’s a world away’

  
  


‘Oikawa-san. Are you like me or not?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! CHAPTER 15 WON'T COME OUT TILL TUESDAY AT THE EARLIEST bc I'm dealing with things at home :) ALSO srry this chapter was so short and crappy. it'll get better when I can really think about it sorry!!


	15. Memories, Pain, And A Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy. Sorry for the wait on chapter 15 and sorry for the shit chapter I. put out last time. I relate to Akaashi a lot throughout this entire fic just thought I'd say that bc I got a comment request talking about how I was invalidating depression and making it sound fun. I meant to accept it idk what I did I'm so sorry but my response to it is. This is just how things were and still are from my perspective but if you think I should add things to portray it in a different way I'm open to the suggestion!! TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SELF HARM, CUSSING, AND SUICIDAL/ INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.

‘He’s not like you’

  
Akaashi had met someone with similar problems, but yet he felt so far away. He was better than Akaashi in every way shape or form. Something deep down in him knew that wasn’t true, but that part of him was small and hidden. At some point, his thoughts changed from ones about Oikawa and him and the difference between them to Bokuto and inevitably his death.

‘He doesn’t love you’

  
‘He’ll find someone better

  
‘You should do him a favor and just kill yourself’

One. He sliced his skin once then twice. Two times turned to three. As he was going for four he took notice. He was getting dizzy.

  
Blood loss. 

  
He stopped and wrapped his arm before putting on a long sleeve shirt.

‘You can’t escape it’ 

‘I...can’t escape it’

He fell victim to his thoughts. 

  
Once you fall victim can you even escape?

...

  
‘Have you ever wondered what it would be like to eat glass?’

  
Eat glass. The words echoed in his head.

‘Or you could slice right through your neck’

‘Kenma won’t be back for a while, you’ll be long gone by the time he is’

  
‘Bokuto will be free. He won’t have to deal with you holding him back anymore’

‘No’ He fought back, but to no avail. He found himself staring down at the knife still in his hand. Hours went by his phone rang and dinged. Finally, he made a decision. He got up filling the bath and sitting in. He stared down at the knife and muttered in a pained lost voice “I’m sorry, Bokuto-san. I’m sorry Kenma, Oikawa-san, Sugawara-san. Im sorry I couldn’t keep going.”

  
As the bath filled Akaashi decided since he'd never get the chance to really explain he'd write a note. A note that explained it all, a note that held more emotion than Akaashi knew he had.

“I’m back” Kenma’s voice called from the main area

  
His blood ran cold. He wasn't supposed to be back so early. Kuroo never lets him leave until theywere together for 4 hours at least. 

  
'The door's locked. Keep going'

  
And so he did. Mentally bracing himself and finishing the letter. 

  
'I wish I spent a little more time with Bokuto' 

  
Memories flooded his brain and for a second, just a second he forgot about everything else.

  
"Agaaashii"

  
He forgot about all the pain his parents caused him

  
“AGAAASHII”

  
And all the stress school left.

  
“W-you- came- me volleyball?”

  
He forgot about all the thoughts that controlled him.

  
“It’s messier than I expected.”

  
He forgot about his arms and legs

  
“AGAASHIII”

  
And all that was left was his memories of Bokuto.

  
“It’s pretty right?” 

  
The memories of the start sky.

  
“BOKUTO!”

  
And memories of him and Kuroo's antics.

  
“Heh, about that….I kinda went to the wrong class.”

  
“Hey Agaashi…., can we go get coffee….or something this S-Saturday?

  
And the first time they hung out.

  
'Thank you for it all Bokuto-san' He thought with the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

  
"Akaashi Keji if you don't open this door right now" Kenma interrupted. He blocked out all of Kenma's calls and he planned to keep doing so, "A-Akaashi.." 

  
He was crying.

  
The feelings that Akaashi had forgotten came flooding back. All the guilt and grief. Everything

  
The door opened, but not because Akaashi opened it. Kenma must've picked the lock.

  
Wack.

  
His face stung, but why? What happened?

  
"what the fuck, why would you go and try to kill yourself again?" Akaashi looked down.

Blood. 

Did he start the process of his death without registering it?

  
"You're so stupid sometimes! There are people who care about you and you're going to throw that away? You fucking idiot." Kenma went on, but Akaashi couldn't register his words fully.

  
"H-How long?" His words finally hit him. "How long have you been doing that to yourself?" Kenma raised his voice and Akaashi looked down.

"Don't know it's been a while." A soft sad smile replaced his feint one from earlier. "Kenma-" "No! I know what you're gonna say and I'm not letting you." Kenma's voice was controlled even through his anger and tears. "Give me your arm I'm going to wrap it." Akaashi knew he had no choice but to oblige.

"Why?" Kenma asked "Why didn't you ask for help" 

  
"You would've locked me up", "Its fine. I guess I just needed better luck, we can't have it all". 

  
"Better luck on what. Your suicide attempt?" Kenma's eyes trailed down and onto the floor as Akaashi explained. "Better luck on everything. Better luck with my parents and yea, better luck on my suicide attempt."

  
"Because the truth is, I couldn't take it anymore, and I don't think I'll ever be able to." "J-just promise you'll try. For me. For Bokuto and everyone else that cares about you." Kenma probably held back tearns when saying that, but Akaashi wasn't in the place to comfort him.

"I promise" 

Akaashi handed him his note

  
"Only read it if I die before you." Akaashi's voice was soft but strict,n"There's some instructions on what to do with it", "Good thing I'll never have to read it" Kenma added sternly.

  
"Just keep it with you, promise me that." 

  
"Ok, I promise."

  
And with that his road to recovery beings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading chapter 15! I'm not gonna lie I was going to kill Akaashi up but then I remembered that that doesn't match up with what I have planned for the ending so yea. I wanted Bokuto to be the one to find him at first, but I decided that for what I wanna do with the rest of the story Kenma had to be the one to find him. I really loved that little Kenma and Akaashi moment tho! I hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 16 should be out tomorrow!!


	16. A Repeat Of The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Should I have said something? No? Yes? No?'
> 
> Bokuto paced his room. He was such a useless boyfriend. He knew Akaashi was cutting he knew it all, but he didn't say anything. It lead Akaashi to almost kill himself...again. He thought about the last time they hung out, and the fact he never once asked Akaashi about it, or anything related to it.
> 
> 'It's all one big repeat of the past. A past I never wanted to repeat'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey Hey! Yea I feel like it's about time I get back to Bokuto's Pov and some problems that he's going through! So here we go. Btw no one asked but I just thought Id specify in this fic everyone goes through their own problems bc that's how life is and if you're going through something no that ur not weird or alone bc everyone has bad things happening!! TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS PAST SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, CUTTING, SCHIZOPHRINIEA, MENTIONS (not graphic) OF RAPE, AND CUSSING ALSO I broke my arm rn its in a sling so I typed with one hand...basically there is going to be a lot more capitalization errors!!

Flashback: 

Age 17:

"Hey Ku-" Bokuto froze his body wouldn't listen. Did he? Was Kuroo? And he didn't...If kuroo knew his sense of relief and freedom would be what started Bokuto's downward spiral would he still have done it? "Bo-" before he could so much as think to finish his sentence Bokuto was on the ground. He had always been sensitive, but was his reaction uncalled for? He didn't think it was. "K-Kuroo? W-Why?" Kuroo was silent, finally, with a soft sad smile, he whispered out "It's the only part of my body...my dad doesn't touch" He was cutting his shoulder area. Why there? "You don't get it do you?" Kuroo's inquiry was one that broke Bokuto's heart to hear, Bokuto shook his head as he stared at the ground with clenched fists, "H-He touches m-me i-in areas th-that are private." Kuroo sputtered out.

Bokuto froze.

How come he didn't notice? Why didn't his best bro tell him?

End of flashback:

If Kuroo knew that his desire to help him would lead him into the downward spiral...would he still have done it?

Would he still have cut himself?

Would he have stood up to his dad? 

Would Bokuto still be the way he was now?

They were questions that Bokuto would never get an answer to.

...

"Hows 'Kaashi doing?" Bokuto asked as Kenma left the room. "better." Bokuto's smile grew."that's great!" Kenma just nodded. Bokuto knocked on Akaashi's door. Akaashi was happy to see him, they talked about trivial things, they watched shit movies that Bokuto said were the best and he'd get it one day, they cuddled, and they slept.

...

Bokuto paced his room. He was such a useless boyfriend. He knew Akaashi was cutting he knew it all, but he didn't say anything. It lead Akaashi to almost kill himself...again. He thought about the last time they hung out, and the fact he never once asked Akaashi about it, or anything related to it.

'Should I have said something? No? Yes? No?'

He was thinking about Kuroo a lot too. He was also thinking about the one thing he didn't want to think about.

His schizophrenia

It was getting worse, he knew it, the doctors knew it, Kuroo knew it, and Akaashi knew it.

Why? Why cant he be alright? Why cant he help anyone?

He thought about other things like his depression, his dogs, and Akaashi's attempt. He thought a lot about Akaashi. He thought a lot about Akaashi and him. They still hung out and Bokuto still loved Akaashi, but he was so scared. He was scared he'd lose him, he was scared one day he'd disappear. It was wrong, but he was scared. He saw the way Kenma checked his arms, legs, heartbeat, anything, and everything. Kenma was worried too, everyone was.

Flashback:

Age 20:

" 'Kashiii where are we goingggg", "You'll see" He did. "A hill?" Akaashi rolled his eyes at that. "This is where you took me to see the stars" He kissed him the eagerness obvious in the approach. "OHHH I only know it at night!" "Your weird" Akaashi said, play teasing him. Bokuto cried, Akaashi sat trying to calm him down for an hour. "Im sorry Bokuto-san it was a joke" Akaashi never saw him get so worked up about something so little, but nonetheless he sat by his side. "Thanks 'Kashi," Bokuto sputtered out when his tears stopped falling.

"Of course Bokuto-san"

End of flashback:

'It's all one big repeat of the past. A past I never wanted to repeat'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapter 17 out soon!! so I'm tempted to make a kuroken second part to this when I'm done with this one...it would be shorter bc this is the main piece. I would just add a few parts that tied the loose ends together but idk. is that interesting to anyone?


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